A. What mental illness (es) does the author describe? How does the author describe the experience of having illness? What is like for that person to be mentally ill, in itself?
Caroline Knapp in her memoir Drinking: A Love Story reveals her painful secret of being an alcoholic as she boldly shares her distressing experiences as a highly functioning alcohol addict. To her, like many other alcohol enslaved individuals she describes in her story, alcohol was a toxic love affair that almost cost her life- something she loved more than people and cherished like her life depended on it. Knapp also suffered from anorexia- a food disorder that she overcame with the help of a psychiatrist. Fueled by the aspiration to be in control of her life-to be the one to make every decision regarding her life with acute desperation to be perfect just so that she could prove her self-worth and finally receive even the tiniest affection from her cold parents, she opted to deny herself the right food to a disturbing extent as a means of exercising control of something in her life.
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Every alcohol addict struggles with getting by every day in life with the hope of being themselves again one day intertwined with confusion, doubt, and fear of failing such that at the end of the day they sunk deeper into depression with the hope fading gradually each passing day. Knapp having joined the drinking crew as a teenager drinking her way through Ivy League College deceived herself she would not touch a battle after she overcome a difficult situation in her life surprised that she drunk even more and disappointed that her problems were still there when she sobered up. Unfortunately instead of quitting, she fell harder for the bottle every day to a point even the sound of alcohol being poured on the glass awakened her thirst and keeping her hands of it became a dream she longed would come true and a miracle she prayed for regularly. With time Knapp drinking reached a heartbreaking point when she drunk blind unable to determine when enough was enough to an extent only blacking out determined her limit for the day. After which she would feel ashamed and depressed as she nursed hangovers and shuttered hopes when she came to. Knapp desired to stop drinking so much that she even wished it was only sold under prescription.
Every day in the twenty years Knapp battled alcoholism was a struggle. Her infatuation with alcohol frustrated her. She lived in despair watching alcohol become the center of her world and scared that it would become a permanent part of her. All that came to mind was the bottle as if her entire world revolved around it- she thought of alcohol when she was bored, sad, happy or anxious to an extent even her reasons for resorting to the bottle became blurred. In that she no longer just drunk to forget her problems – a frustrating point in life when she came to the realization that her life was hers no more, alcohol had taken over enslaving her and that she had lost even the tiniest will-power to object desperate for redemption yet loyal like a dog.
Knapp got her inspiration to use alcohol from her father and the drive from her silent sad family. By watching him use alcohol to relax and maintain harmony in his family, she got the impression it was okay to drinking. To her, drinking was the surest way to dealing with her insecurities and challenging realities of life despite being born to a wealthy family, well- bred and educated. She was motivated by the illusion that alcohol was the solution to her problems, a way to cope with one unhealthy relationship after another, family tension as well as cruel memories. At the begging when she worked up the courage to be around her father from the alcohol, she thought it was ideal and loved the way it felt. Finally, she was able to be around her father without feeling inadequate or out of place. All she ever wanted was to connect with her family and often took the blame for their coldness towards her. In that when alcohol worked the magic and helped her connect with her father, she was grateful and resorted to hold on to it as long as it gave her the hope and opportunity to be comfortable around once she wanted close yet were so distant. As a result with each problem that came her way, she turned to alcohol for consolation, protection and for an escape. For instance, when her parent passed a year apart she expressed her devastation by drawing deeper into alcohol- at that time alcohol helped escape and protected her from extreme pain she was afraid of.
Alcohol created for Knapp a perfect world where there were no worries, no rules and regulations nor moral obligations to the society and a place for her to hide whenever the world was against her. Given that she was shy and suffering from inferiority complex where she thought she was not good enough and struggling to prove she was worthy, her misfortunes never seemed to end especially regarding social and emotion insecurities. Giving into extreme emotions was her one of her greatest fears and alcohol helped her escape from them- showing and accepting love. When sober, Knapp was uptight and felt her life was boring and suffocating – a problem of which her savior alcohol was there to solve. Alcohol loosened her, helped her express her true self and desires. Under its influence she was able to engage in activities she would never carry out sober like dancing. She felt alive and free- free to be herself and not worry about being judged for the decision she made or worry about whether she did anything wrong because she just had glimpses of what had transpired and not the full account and as usual something you do not know cannot hurt you, an idea she found comfort in. Waking up in bed with men clueless of how she got there or what had transpired shameful and regretful was common but did not deter her.
Knapp went to great links to foster her drinking and conceal its effects and the fact that she was an alcoholic. First she denies it even to herself just like she says denial is the disease of alcoholism. At one time when her psychiatrist convinced her to join AA meetings she went but felt she was not like them- she convinced herself that she had not reached that point yet that was exactly where she was she could not just come to terms with it. The public adored her since they perceived her as a successful sophisticated professional. On the outside she was calm and organized but inside the stability of her personal, life health wise and emotionally, was being washed by alcohol. Inner-self was shutting down gradually secretly, breaking herself into pieces one day at a time. Knapp went through a nightmare coping with alcoholism. Leading a double life of which on one side she was the dutiful focused daughter on the other she was the sick empty alcoholic. Motivated by the desire to drink another day and escape judgment from those she cared for, Knapp hid alcohol anywhere she thought they would be safe even if they were not ideal places including behind cupboards in her apartment, behind her lovers’ refrigerators and in the bathroom clearly indicating her level of misery and how acute the situation was. Often, she was frustrated acting in ways she could never even have imagined just to get a taste alcohol and feel relieved like drinking in bathrooms and making up stories for whoever stumbled across her numerous hidden bottles.
Being an alcoholic for Knapp was torture. Being in love with the bottle to an extent she hardly recognizes herself anymore and tormented by the fact that that love was consuming her leading through a path she was not prepared for. Dealing with hysteria whenever she did not get enough of the drinking and plotting crazy ways to drink to her feel in public places especially when drinking with friends or family members. Living a lie consumed her even more as she struggles with excuses and more lies each time she almost get caught and hoping her friends and family never finds out. Coping with shame and self-loathing after an ugly incidence under the influence of excess drinking is traumatic. Yearning to be accepted the way she was instead of people trying to change her like Julian did was painful as all she got was rejection.
Inspired by the work of Pete Hamili’s, Drinking a Life, Knapp finally gained the courage to own up to her sickness and face her problems as she had eventually figured the connection between drinking and the outcome. She realized that drinking was not actually the solution but a destruction that was causing her a lot of sorrow. She discovered that drinking was the source of her unhappiness since it fostered secrecy and contributing to her wasting two decades of her life. She could not grow personally or emotionally. Moreover, she realized her love was extremely toxic since it blurred boundaries impairing judgments and destroyed those she cared about and making her hurt the people she loved the most like the time she fell on the street nearly killing her friends daughters while drunk. It also made her develop unhealthy tendencies like smoking of which combined with alcohol had a negative impact on her health since they damaged her liver that later caused her death in 2002. Armed with the aspiration to get her life back and move on from a nightmare that had placed her life on hold for twenty years she finally checked herself into a rehabilitation center in New Hampshire in 2002 and later attended AA every night glad to have triumphed over alcoholism.
B. How does the author describe the reactions of family and friends to his or her behavior when mentally ill? Are they sympathetic, loving, angry, exhausted, unhappy, frustrated or despairing? Give some examples of their reactions.
It is always disheartening to watch a loved one waste his/her life away. Knapp’s mother was devastated as much as she never openly showed her pain since she was dealing with problems of her own. It broke her heart to listen to her daughter lie about her problem but there is nothing she could do since even after expressing concern to Knapp about her drinking Knapp still went own. Deep down, she blamed herself just like most mothers. Knapp’s mother made a point to tell Knapp indirectly to stop drinking when she told Knapp to smoking during her last moments because Knapp never owned up to the issue. Even Knapp’s sister was worried about Knapp’s emotional and personal well-being realizing that it was being damaged by alcohol. Some of friends like Julian could not take it. He was exhausted since his attempt to change her all backfired yet his acceptance meant much to her.
C. How does the mental illness affect the person’s ability to function in school or at work?
Fortunately for Knapp, alcoholism rarely interfered with her education or work. She was able to perform well in college shockingly graduating with honors regardless of her problem unlike many who have been in her position. It seems academic may have been complicated but what she could not handle was her emotions because she went further to be successful in her career as much as she used to drink after work. When it comes to work Knapp remained focused- she never let alcohol get in the way probably because she felt her work was the only thing she was good at amidst her confused life. In that throughout her drinking life she remained a celebrated columnist, editor and writer sharing her life experiences with the world.
D. What is the author’s experience with health care professionals like psychologists, psychiatrists and nurses? Is it positive and helpful? Is it mixed? Or is it negative? Give some examples.
Knapp had a positive interaction with psychiatrists since her therapies were productive as they helped her get over her anorexia problem thus had a positive impact on her life. The psychiatrist was understanding, empathetic and always ready to assist giving her the courage to open about her condition. At one time she talks too much about her drinking problem during therapy session that he advised her to attend AA meeting since he felt she needed help. Her nurses at rehab also had a remarkable impact on her recovery as they encouraged her every time.
What overall message or lesson do you take from the memoir? What are it strength and weaknesses?
Generally, the author tells the world that abusing alcohol has long-lusting threatening consequences and every individual ought to shun from considering it solves nothing at the end of it. Knapp in her story attempts to encourage those facing similar difficulties to come to terms with their weaknesses and get help no matter how acute the situation has become sending a message that it is never too late to come clean. Especially those battling with alcoholism giving them hope again that the battle is not lost yet and that we can all rise up from our most traumatic and destructive self- inflicted obsession to lead a healthy productive life again. From her experiences and struggles with alcoholism we realize succumbing to cheap options like drinking just add salt to the problem while deluding us to be having the opposite effect. Given that alcoholism is a problem for many although every alcoholic have different experiences none of them is unique since it all comes down to a trauma none of them ever knows how to get out of. Always feeling as if their lives have been taken away from them and no matter how much they try it becomes difficult to recovery. For those in such situations acknowledging and admitting to the problem is the first step since denying just covers the problem and makes it worse.
Given people engage in life threatening activities like drug or alcohol abuse for different reasons, the author desires to inform us that we should accept the fact that we do not live in a flawless society and difficulties are part and presell of who we are since imperfection is what makes us normal, human. Therefore, we should learn from a tender age how to tackle challenges in our daily lives since unhealthy escape tendencies like excessive drinking destroys the very little we have and no excuse given in justification can ever repair the damage. Knapp viewed drinking as a way of surviving her misfortune of which when she was attacked by liver cancer nothing justified her actions.
The message is vital since it forms a basis of change for those suffering from alcoholism and clueless of where to begin and hope that it possible. In addition, it is relevant to those drawing in their daily troubles that alcohol is not the solution and parents to guide their children and always be therefore them. However, the lesson tends to be limited to alcoholics.
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